Sunday, April 12, 2009

Bane-Jo of My Existence

As I was drifting to sleep last night to the melodic and wistful lulling sound of “Ground Hog” being hammered on the banjo by my darling, I was thinking of a blog. Unfortunately, when I woke up, all I could remember was Ground Hog. It’s a beaut, let me tell you.

I do recall a few random thoughts. I was actually laughing to myself remembering the last blog I wrote that I was not allowed to post. When I say ‘not allowed’ I mean that out of respect for my husband, I won’t post it. He didn’t feel it was near classy enough for me to post. We’ve been married nearly 25 years. The poor man is still living in a delusion.

Anyway, the blog was about a horrific episode in a dressing room at a local department store where I was attempting to buy a new bra. After reading the blog, Michael sort of sat up straight and knit his eyebrows together (he does this when he’s about to impart something important) and said “I don’t think the words “boob” and “torpedo” should be used in the same sentence.

The other thing I recall is not funny at all and very painful – I may need counseling. As I was giving our bedroom a good cleaning (yeah, right) last weekend, I noticed a receipt on my dresser that had “BIRKS” stamped on the back. I didn’t open the receipt as that would be dishonest…who is that girl and what has she done with Helen? ...but I did a bit of jumping up and down and clapping my hands together that a purchase had been made at BIRKS, which is a very high-end jewelry store in uptown Saint John. I do love shiny stuff. As I was clapping and squealing like a stuck pig I wondered how I could (a) find out what was bought without (b) acting too greedy. Impossible.

That night, all cozy on the couch next to Michael, I took his hand and, batting my eyelashes at him, I said “I see on the dresser a receipt for BIRKS…I promise I didn’t open it! But I’m dying to know what you bought”…twitter, bat, twitter, bat, bat, bat, bat.

The response dealt a crushing blow. SIGH…so much for batting and twittering. Michael said “oh, that... I bought a special cloth for shining up the gold on my banjo.” Like, just stab me. So, lemme get this straight… the banjo got a present from BIRKS and I didn’t? There is something seriously wrong with this. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

The stupid cloth even came in a fancy box with BIRKS stamped on the outside of it, and I would like to add, the stupid cloth cost something like $18.00. Use spit and paper towel to shine stuff, BUD, like the rest of us.

Shoulder up your gun and call up the dog
Shoulder up your gun and call up the dog
Goin' to the woods, gonna' catch a ground hog
Ground hog

Yonder run a whistle pig under that log
Yonder run a whistle pig under that log
Lord have mercy when the world might pause
Ground hog

Meat's in the cupboard and the butter's in the churn
Meat's in the cupboard and the butter's in the churn
If that ain't ground hog I'll be darned
Ground hog

Little piece of corn bread layin' on the shelf
Little piece of corn bread layin' on the shelf
If you want some you can get it yourself
Ground hog

Yonder comes Sally with a snicker and a grin
Yonder comes Sally with a snicker and a grin
Ground hog grease all over her chin
Ground hog

I’m still shaking my head. I love shiny stuff and all I get is Ground Hog. Could someone please send me a hubcap?? SNIFF!!

Unless you made other plans, have a happy and peaceful day. Keep doing the next right thing.

Helen

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1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Hi there...well knowing Mike like I do,Im sure that he will show his gratitude and love for you in another way other than a polishing cloth from Birks ha ha ..
Seriously,Mikes love for his banjo is only outshined by his love for you..You have nothing to fear..
Have a great day..... Ken